Friday, June 3, 2016

Divorce Series Part 2: Independant and Empowered, Yet Alone

So I told a tall tale. I said that my divorce post series would be completed in May. May was a great month, so great that I couldn't pull myself away from the fun I was having to sit down to write.

But, I am here and back with the second installment to the series. This post is one that I am particularly excited to write because it is all about me breaking out of the trap I had been caught up in for years. The trap being the suffocating marriage I had found myself in.

Perhaps the most terrifying aspect of my separation and divorce experience was the independence I had gained over night after moving out. But what a relief and breath of fresh air! Freedom in so many forms!
Move-in Day! 
Decorating my own place, doing what I wanted when I wanted, focusing on me and my goals instead of living for someone else and their goals and desires. Don't get me wrong, had our goals been along the same wave length, I may not have felt this way. I realized that my ex-husband and I were just too different, we didn't get each other. He used to tell me all the time that we were never on the same page or I just didn't get him. At the time these words stung deep. But now I see what he meant. My way of living life did not at all mesh with his life ideals or lifestyle. I knew this all along. I just ignored the red flags.
So much space to decorate in my family room!
But this post isn't about what I didn't do or who is at fault. This post is about the wonderful growth and change that occurred in me while living independently. The first thing that I did when I moved in to my apartment, was go out and buy Lauren Conrad bedding at Kohl's that I had been eyeing for quite some time. It was more expensive than I could have afforded at the time but it was so exciting and exhilarating to buy pretty bedding. I remember how excited I was to go home and wash my new linens and make my new bed. I took a bath that night and lit a candle by my bed and read a good book. It was so wonderful to snuggle with Polo and wake up in my own place.
My cozy bed with Lauren Conrad bedding
Over time the excitement of living alone wore off and many times I found myself feeling lonely and missing the company that I once had.
Polo checking out his new digs!
Even if it was horrible company; it was still company! I found Saturday nights to be particularly difficult for some reason and I tried to keep busy by making plans with friends or taking myself out on dates. That was fun! I took myself out to dinner, shopping, to the movies, or to the coffee shop.

Sometimes I didn't have plans and I would take a bath and read a book and try not to feel sorry for myself that I was all alone. (Don't get me wrong, I did have a couple pity parties from time to time but found them to be therapeutic and relieving to let out negative energy.) I found that focusing on how wonderful it was that I was strong and resilient and had the tenacity to be on my own, gave me hope for the great future I had ahead of me. Over time the loneliness wore off and I relished in my alone time. I set goals for myself and accomplished them. I went back to school to continue to challenge myself and to keep me from being too bored.

Due to a recommendation from my friend, Tricia, I watched the Secret and really began to look forward to my future instead of dwelling on my past and how horrible the last few years had been. I began focusing on being grateful for my life and the challenges I had overcome and the bright future that I had ahead of me. The Secret played a part in changing my life. I will share a bit more about this in a future post.

Have you seen The Secret?

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