Friday, January 23, 2015

My Separation

***This post is something that I have been working on for some time. It may be fragmented or disjointed. It may read strange to you. That is okay. I am sharing this personal information with you in hopes that I can be helpful to others who may be in the same position that I have been in and don't know if they can take a huge step forward to improve their lives. This post is in no way an effort to talk badly about D or a cry for empathy. My goal for this post is to share what has been going on in my life as many of you have emailed me and asked me where I have been since I am no longer on Facebook, I have been lackluster at best on Twitter, and I haven't been blogging much at all. Lastly, I feel like this post is the symbolic end to a chapter in my past; specifically in regard to my blog.***

Whenever I find the motivation or strength to write about this aspect of my life, I get side tracked or find myself at a loss for words. How do I articulate the biggest challenge and struggle I have ever had to go through in my life? How can I possibly convey in words what I am feeling about this topic and how unhappy I was for so long? What I am prepared to share with you has taken a lot of self-reflection and months of healing. Now that I am a couple of months into this chapter of my life, talking about it is somewhat therapeutic.

In November 2014, I separated from my husband D. There are many posts throughout Hiya Luv about my relationship with D and our marriage. As Hiya Luv has always been my little place on the internet to share my life, stories, experiences, goals, hopes, dreams, material wants, etc., I thought it was important to share this challenge as it is quite a significant part of my life and I am only a better person because of it.

To be honest I am not sure where things started to go wrong but they did and without even realizing it, I began to pull away. I began to invest my time and energy into other aspects of my life so as to maybe find happiness in other ways or even just escape the turmoil that I was experiencing at home.

I walked away knowing that I gave my all. I tried to work things out. I wanted to fix our marriage. For a long time, I hid that there were even issues. I was ashamed. It took time, reflection, and great friendships to help me realize that I deserved better. I deserved to be happy and that I could be happy if I made changes in my life and took steps to move forward.
I never dreamed of being in this position. For quite some time I even fought the idea. In some ways I felt like I was a failure if I "gave up" on my marriage. A special person in my life was able to point out to me that I wasn't a failure because my marriage didn't work. After hearing that, my perspective totally changed. It comes down to me wanting different things than D. It comes down to me needing to be loved in a way that he could not love me. I don't feel like I gave up. I feel like I grew up. I became stronger in knowing who I am and what I want. I am a different person than I was a few years ago; or even last year...shoot even 2 months ago! I am better. Stronger. Resilient. Confident in what I want for my life. Confident in who I am and in the decisions I am making for myself. I am free. I am happy. I am proud of what I have overcome and am really looking forward to what lies ahead.

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