I used to love to shop. I used to shop til I couldn't bear the pain in my feet any longer. When I gained weight I didn't want to shop anymore. It was so hard to find anything that I liked on my body. It was so hard to accept myself in the mirror. I hated how I felt about myself. I hated that I let myself go. So I just wouldn't go shopping. I avoided shopping at all costs.
To be truthful, it was easier to buy tops than to buy bottoms. Currently, I have many tops in my wardrobe to choose from but buying pants has always been a chore. For one, I am a petite 5'2 and 3/8ths in height with what seems like the shortest legs ever. Being that I hold my weight in my stomach area; pants, skirts, and shorts look funny on me. I hate buying bottoms because they never fit me right. Either pants are too long or my stomach is too big.
Today I was in for a real surprise.
Sure, I know the scale has told me that I have lost weight but I did not know how much weight I had really lost until I tried on pants that I thought were going to be way too small.
Today, I was feeling particularly brave and thought that I would give a size 4 skinny corduroy pants a try. I have no idea where the courage came from or what even led me to the size 4 rack. I thought, "What could happen? They won't fit. And then I know. Been there. Done that. No biggie."
To my utter astonishment, I was able to slide them on with no problem. No hip shaking from side to side or sucking my breath in. No thinking, "just a few more pounds..."
A size FREAKING 4.
I have not been able to wear a size 4 pants since 2002 when I was in undergrad. I stood in the dressing room staring at myself in the mirror. Could this be true? They fit. And I am not suffocating. I am not sucking in.
This is real.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to scream with delight.
I wanted to buy any size 4 I could find.
I wanted to share the news with my husband.
I wanted to never take the pants off.
Each little victory feels like a huge hurdle.
Because it has been.
Weight loss is not easy.
Weight loss is super hard and it is a trying process.
I want to eat hamburgers, milkshakes, chocolate, cupcakes, fried chicken, drink soda, and sit on the couch with my hand in a cheetos bag all the time.
And I resist...over half of the time.
I fight with myself and feel guilty.
And still see myself as not having lost as much as I have.
It is days like today that I am proud.
Proud that I can do it.
Proud that I have not given up even though I have wanted to a million times.
It is days like today that I believe.
I believe in me.I believe I can keep going to meet my ultimate goal.
I believe that the fight to be fit and healthy is worth it.
And I believe that YOU can do it too!
What are you doing to take care of you?